a few moments in my head

or -- a morning of trying to get my thoughts together

The following is a jumble. A stream of conscious rambling.

I have tried to put things into... words, but it is hard to keep up when in my head; even after all these years of practice — it is never the same place twice.

There are some common corners and familiar landmarks though, and behaviours are well worn (for good or for bad). Thought patterns are maps that show a city of chaos craving categorization with vigilante force on some days, ordered (if not somewhat corrupt) policing on other days, and a slew of citizenry gallimaufry on the weekends.

Enter at your own risk and, don't try to keep up — that is not what this is about.

A glimpse:

Today is a bit of a challenge…

I am very scattered, but not in the usual way (although, my "usual" has changed somewhat over the last year).

I am finding it difficult to describe.

I am sure from the outside, I either look “normal” or perhaps just flustered — scatter-brained — one or the other (but probably not both). Not both? More than distracted then. Dichotomy. Contradiction. Yep. I don't know why it can be both and not both at the same time. Not both. Fine then.

There are several started and un-picked-up tasks laying around me, dispersed in a tornado's path. Two sips of coffee in; have done hairstyle; pulled out something to eat, put it back in the fridge; wandered around looking for something but not knowing what I was looking for... did I do that thing… that thing I was going to do —what was that thing again? I something....

There it is.

I start that thing. I see something else, switch to that task. Should I take my pill? (Which one to take if I do? How much?) But I started a coffee… I am not sure a pill and the caffeine are a good idea. I stopped taking one of my meds about a week ago.???

Damn — should have written it down. I still haven’t made that doctor’s appointment.

I was supposed to meet with her, what? A month ago, now?

I turn around.

Unfinished tasks don’t so much stare back at me as listlessly sit and mope in their forgottenness. Kidding — they don’t care. Let’s not anthropomorphize them... the meal I started to prepare, or the outfit I started to put on. (They know I will circle back around to them eventually).

At least I remembered to flush the toilet.

I should probably brush my teeth.

Well, it’s too late to take a pill now.

This does not worry me so much. I stand by my decision. I want to see how bad it gets first before I try to alleviate symptoms. Sometimes you don't know how something was working (or missing), until it is gone.

This is an experiment.

Life is an experiment.

Is it though?

ex·per·i·ment noun /ikˈsperəmənt,ekˈsperəmənt/ 1. a scientific procedure undertaken to make a discovery, test a hypothesis, or demonstrate a known fact. "I have tested this by experiment" a procedure carried out under controlled conditions in order to discover an unknown effect or law, to test or establish a hypothesis, or to illustrate a known law. : the process of testing : experimentation

Not sure I would label our world as being a controlled environment… and doesn’t an experiment require testing and retesting? Or am I confusing that with science….

I feel nauseous.

[ It is so strange that we don’t talk openly as a society on health shit that people could benefit from talking about and sharing. Like weird stuff, not just mental things & cognitions: like, I don't know, what your nails do as you age; STIs: what types of bowel movements are normal given certain things; how hormones affect pain thresholds; skin tags; chaffing; the often overlooked signs of Lyme disease; how much hair falling out should be a concern, and that iron deficiency is just as problematic as anemia. ]

Google has become the aunt or uncle, the older sibling, or trusted non-parental adult you might have approached with embarrassing questions only a few decades ago. Welcome to the internet — bringing people and their odd bodily issues together (even if it would probably be better not to look at the accompanying images resulting from your web search).

Symptoms.... so many symptoms...

My mind certainly is all over the place today.

The distractibility is strong in this one.

Yes, I think that was me talking to myself in the third person. Oooh! I still have the rest of that Jenny Lawson book to finish. …. So many books to finish. And start. : (

I have so many things floating around in my head.

Floating is not the right word actually.

Spinning.

Yes.

My mind is a merry-go-round, but the mood is less merry and more frantic.

It’s a perpetual motion machine and the playground isn’t much fun at the moment.

I can’t sit on the swings and go down the slide and climb on the jungle gym all at the same time —— but I certainly try!!

(I never had a treehouse. This makes me a bit sad. Like I missed out on an integral part of childhood. Oh well.)

I waited so long for that journal to come in the mail. The one for the D&D campaign I am in. I know I ordered it with birthday money… so it must have been back in the summer.

Last year. Ugh.

Another thing started and left to sit in a pile with the other hobby veterans.

Veterans? Well — some of them served. For sure; hyper fixations so-to-speak. I’m not sure what actually constitutes a hyper-fixation. Journal. Yes. Today could be the day I start. Really dedicate some time to it. It will bring me joy. I bought it because it was going to bring me joy…. It was going to help me keep play in order — something to be proud of creating…. Play

Even play feels like work.

So much to do. Work. Hobbies… all of it.

Time. Yes, time. I could spend some time on it, but I have other things that I was supposed to allot for focusing a good amount of time on. That sentence probably didn’t make a lot of sense, or was at least, grammatically in-correct. A Sentencing for a sentence.

There is that judge again, gowned and glowering, gavel in hand — persistent in his deemed responsibility to perform and mete out justice on demand.

I retired you. (He’s not all that bad, it comes from a good place…)

You can enjoy your freedom and free-time now.

Free-time... such a weird concept. Your services appreciated.

To

appreciate

is to go

up in value,

isn’t it?

Don’t feed the trolls…

Okay, where was I?

Things to do today.

It’s noon now. SO, it feels like the day is half done, and half means all — so I might as well call it:

Today was un-productive.

I’m a bit of a failure — again. A perfectly good Friday gone.

So tiring. Want to lie down again. Maybe a nap.

You Can’t nap! There is stuff you need to do today!

Things to do things to do — what were they again? Make a list.

Start to make a list in your head.

This is hard… I can’t seem to focus on any of the threads long enough to make sense of…

A list.

Make a list.

Okay.

Your therapist has asked you to do the sound editing on your meditation — the one you put time (and money), into building.

(You had to prove your worthiness and capabilities and said you would edit it yourself... or was it because you wanted control over the final product?)

You should also meditate.

The kitchen isn’t too disastrous (but I could unload the dishwasher).

I wonder if I can get the energy together to go to the furniture store today. It is actually only lunch-time — on a Friday!! You have time, of course they will be open. You could pick up your drawers. I am going to feel so much better when my shit is in order. All those little drawers. : ). I am happy just thinking about them. Maybe I will know where all my stuff is then. I can get rid of the giant mountain mess that has morphed and changed over the last 4 years in the kitchen/common space. (Not really sure what that part of the apartment is called — kind of hard when it is open concept…. a line… a clump really, delineates the space into its own thing.

My family would probably call it a dumping ground. They probably aren’t wrong.

But also, there is order there.

Things are organized and stacked. Everything

has a place and I can both find what I’m looking for, but also —not.

Yay! I am almost done a piece of toast. Go me.

Food has been eaten.

Coffee has been had.

I started cutting up stuff to make a lunch. That was this morning. Probably around 9.

I did finish my coffee from then.

Now I’m drinking water.

Water. I need to drink more water.

I have been dry lately. Like I mentioned above — I am having some trouble with chaffing.... I know, I know, not a conversation for polite company. Oh well.

It was painful. Still is kind of is. Swelling... I wonder if it's a blocked pore or something. And thinner skin — blackish…. It doesn’t look like any bruise I have seen before. Head scratcher, this one.

If I’m still having trouble in a few days, maybe I will call the doctor.

She is going to want to know why I didn’t make my appointment in two weeks, like I said I would — 6 weeks ago. Oops. I should probably tell her I stopped taking my meds. The white ones anyways, not the purple ones. I needed a baseline though. A new one.

How am I without? I don’t know if they are helping.

Based on the last two days only, I would say, yes — yes, they are required to keep me in a better balance. Overall since stopping?

We downed the dosage because the last increase made me feel a bit... weird? I am not sure how to put into words what I'm not sure I felt. I am also not sure about the rest of the week having been off them... I'm not certain I really remember what I was supposed to be tracking... everything is a bit of a jumble — which probably sounds like a clear indication that I need to be on something — but I also remember clearly that something felt "off" and that I wasn't quite where I needed to be when I was on them... gah

Last night and today, I am having trouble even recognizing that my partner is talking to me, let alone hear what they are saying. And I am flitting around.

I sat down this morning and watched two episodes of a show before sitting down to write at 11am. I was able to focus on that.

I have been focusing on this writing, during an hour long online writer’s salon. I didn’t even worry too much about the zoom window we were all sharing.

This is interesting me. I am trying to get some coherence by getting this all out on the page. ... have gotten up a few times. Of course I have! But that’s okay.

The meditation resource.

I should meditate….. Start a habit.

Do that sound editing first so I can meditate to that consistently.

Maybe I need to meditate first to be able to do that.

Does this count as meditation?

The drawers… that would require space to assemble them. I would need to empty the steamer trunks and move those out of the closet, so the new drawers have a place to go. (The main bathroom needs cleaning...) That means I would need to empty the closet and go through things, sorting and divesting (double ugh — getting rid of things is its own issue), so that there is a place to put the closet stuff into the trunks and put those into the closet.

It's 12:27, is there even enough day for that?

(whisper, whisper, “You must conserve your energy. You might run out…maybe you should rest…”.)

Therapy. Meditation.

Bathroom clean. Should do the mirror at the very least. Don’t forget to brush your teeth. Body aches incoming. What are you going to do about that? You know you will be sore soon. Bah. I have to meet my Mum and sister tomorrow to go look at an apartment...

My phone just buzzed.

Once again, or for the first time? I think it buzzed twice.

I should check it. But I’m writing.

Yes. : ) Look at me! I am staying committed to a thing. I am writing, and it is an accomplishment. I should feel… no, I do feel — proud…

no, no, no… no no no no no No NO!!!!

WHY!?!? I started to feel good and then, and then — it just started to drop off the edge of a cliff. Stupid cliff. I was having A GOOD MOMENT THERE!

That wasn’t meant to be all-caps, but finger slipped and I kind of like it so it stays. : (

Why does feeling good about something that I have accomplished, bring me shame? It shouldn’t matter that it is such a small thing...

Because it is a small thing, just realizing this, makes me feel like I am incapable. I don’t have my life together or sorted out, or functioning in a way I think is “normal”…. Healthy. Why do things feel so hard?

Do they feel hard?

Do they really though?

You’re just lazy.

You just don’t want to do anything.

(It’s hard to tell that voice to fuck-off when you know it is telling the truth.)

Ah, but is that voice telling the truth? (Maybe I have a friend in this new thought, the one trying to prop me up…)

No. Don’t try to make yourself feel better by consoling yourself with this made-up story about you not being able to do the same things because you have issues.

Everybody has issues, and they are all doing it.

You're just lazy.

I should work.

I know it is not a work-day for me. Literally, I am not on the payroll for today, but I should try to do some work. I am behind, and no one really knows how little I do there.

It is the same cycle again. I am working 3 times as hard to match the effort everyone else puts in, and I am barely able to pass muster. If/when my bosses find out, they are going to be upset.

I feel different things about this if I stop to think about it

(do I feel them, or do I think them?):

A) I didn’t even want this job to start with

i) But I am not really a quitter when it affects other people, and contrary to what other people have told me in the past, no — I don’t have a problem with commitment. I may take a longer time to get there, but when I make a decision, I think I seldom go back. I think...

I cannot bring any examples immediately to mind.

I am still married. Does that count? I wonder though if it does, because I have offered a divorce. It was not accepted.

ii) I took this job because it was a good deal — I was mercenary and lucked out and I cannot complain because I have the days and hours I want, and I make out really good — I feel guilty about the pay versus work ratio (& and the pay versus other people's pay ratio, but it's a contract, and that's a different thing).

What were we talking about again?

B) I don’t like disappointing people.

Shit, there goes my phone again. I never did look at it.

I need to call the Vet to take the cat in for bloodwork… maybe I’ll do that and then somehow calling my own doctor will be easier…. (ashamed)

B-2.0)

Disappointment. I don’t want to be a disappointment.

They are paying me to provide a service — to undertake a task.

(I will have to train the new person — fear — I don’t want to go back to work.

I don’t know what I am doing. I certainly am not going to pass along the correct processes to the next person…. New person. Is this my replacement? (fear)

Maybe it is my replacement (Relief)).

---

12:51pm

Maybe I should make some lunch?

My posture is abysmal — no wonder I feel so horrible all the time.

All this money spent on Chiro and Physio and Massage…

I have a headache.

In fact, I think I have had a tension headache all day.

Maybe I should take an Advil.

Check-in:

how we doing? Have we written enough yet? (is there a word count? Or a time limit? No one told me when I sat down and started… I didn’t… I don’t know).

Check-in, right.

How’s my body doing?

Hi Body — thanks for getting me through everything so far!

You are doing a great job. I am sorry I am so hard on you.

(yeah, but not sorry enough to change your behaviour though….)

Do you need a washroom?

No, I don’t think so.

Wow I hold my stomach and the rest of my body sooooo tight when I sit up. My back is hyperextended again — why is this seemingly simple posture so difficult? I need to work on my core…

Are ya hungry? Nah. Thirsty?

Ummmm yeah, probably.

Okay, the answer is Yes, always yes. Water. Even if you are not sure, have some water.

Now my back is starting to hurt from just sitting up like a normal human.

Okay, I will go get some more water. Be right back.

Okay. Water achieved — level unlocked.

Hmmmm gamification. : )

My game!

Okay, pull out that journal workbook. Get your D&D character stuff started. You don’t have to finish it — just start it. I should go be outside in some trees.

Game.

So many people and things.

People things.

Friends who want to get together.

People to text back…. I should reach out.

Not a lot of energy. Later.

Maybe later.

Housework

List dump

I know it is not good, but there is so much in my head. I need to get it out so I can see what it is.

What are you?

Making new daily and weekly (monthly) planning worksheets; Canva – my own versions to use. DBT skills workbook — you have barely scratched the surface

Does every thought have to come with a judgement? [ .... .... ..... ]

…. Oh really? They are not judgements; they are pronouncements because you are calling it like you see it — like it is?!

That’s not very nice….

"I wouldn’t want to be friends with you, you are a (u#t to yourself."

(Words from a loved-one. I trust there voice — probably more than my own at times.)

Makes me sad.

I want to cry, but nothing comes to the surface.

More headache — need to stop typing soon.

Bathroom

Clothes away kitchen

You were going to load the dishwasher, tidy up around the main table area — make a place to sit and eat with your partner…. You know, so you can be together.

"If you used the time you spend thinking about it to just do it...."

Weren’t you going to fold laundry…. Like three weeks ago?

Or was it three days? There is only one basket, and it has towelling and bedding in it so it can’t have been that long….

I am so lucky.

(No, really! not being facetious or sarcastic. I have a tonne to be thankful

for — and I am grateful — when I manage to get out of my head that is.)

So interesting to see what the actor who played Harry Potter’s cousin — somebody, somebody, Dursley — what he looks like now!

Everybody ages, but I feel the same inside...

Hey! That song is no longer in your head rolling around anymore! What was it again?

NO!! don’t search for it, gah! You are so bad at this game.

Yeah, or I’m really really really good at it. ; )

Can’t remember what was pressing.

What was I supposed to do today.

Or any day for that matter.

Wow. This has digressed. Frowny face.

(.......... There aren't even pictures at this point!)

Part of me is feeling manic-ish energy while not feeling like I have bodily energy to move… more like I am encased in concrete and have muscle tightness locking me in place — all the way up my back…. But also, that I could move if only I wanted to — and I also like the mania-type-ish-ness (which is dissipating even as I think of it).

... juxtaposed... the thought that I can’t wait for the pain to come with a new flare-up or migraine, because then I will have permission to rest.

And if I don’t, my body will try to make me, so it really doesn’t do much good to resist.

Strange how watching some tv this morning is enough to make me feel like I don’t deserve to do anything else that isn’t “work” today. I didn’t “deserve” that rest because I didn’t earn it by doing anything.

( & anyway, I did it so I could get some equilibrium... )

I can’t win.

If I work all the time outside of the home and tire myself out to stay away from myself and these thoughts, I don’t have a life, am too tired for play, and burn out.

If I arrange my schedule so I can recuperate and find a better balance, then I feel guilty for not using those days to the fullest of their potential — measuring productivity by my absolute best of days….

I don’t allow myself to rest.

I recall a thought from earlier.

Earlier, before that last block of text, and also from before — as in this morning, when I thought it.

Annnnnnnd…….. it’s gone. Yep — that’s how this works.

For every thought that makes it to the surface, there are a dozen or more maybe, that leave — shoved off into the aether. 20. There is something like 20.

And even if they punch through clearly, it doesn't mean I can make note of them before they slip away again, leaving so many tiny little threads...

Maybe these distant thoughts are the ancestors of the thoughts that make it through — guiding and aiming them to the place where they can emerge fully formed to be encoded and remembered again. I picture a lone thought in its infancy, being carried on the backs of its community… crowd-surfing in adolescence….

Thinking thoughts… are there really levels? Surface thoughts and so-forth?

Weird.

It was a song. My thought.

Did I say that already?

Why is Snoop Dog popping into my thoughts now?

(the song wasn't his)

Right. I am starting to get hungry. Better go get some lunch. I still have time to eat, that will be nice.

Okay, so finish your list. If you finish your list, you can go have lunch with them.

(See? As if the very act of eating with my partner is dictated by the arbitrary rules set-forth by who? By what? It’s not like eating is something to be “deserved”… this shouldn’t be like “you can’t go out to play until you eat your dinner”.

Have I somehow got all this backwards?

Hungry. Coming on faster.

Still haven’t taken that advil.

OK – list. Just do it.

And that’s the problem. The list is one of the thoughts — the ancestor thoughts that never make it to the surface.

Their hands come close, as they lift and stretch to assist the young, but never breach the surface. The List does not poke its head through, fully and completely. It’s like I can see the paper it’s written on, but someone poured water over it and the ink all bled down the page.

The making of the list has become a thing — on the list itself.

Meta.

And hard to untangle.

Boo urns.

It’s gone.

I will have to try later.

And if you think reading this was troublesome, chaotic, and it was hard to keep track of things — just remember — for every thought on these pages, there are many more behind it, trying to be seen and heard. I can almost grasp them at the time, but the more I try to collect, or the harder I hang on, the quicker they fly from me. Which makes me frustrated, but also sad. Like, there is a wasted potential; each one held so much… and I couldn’t keep track or hold on.

And they all seem — all feel — as if they are vitally important; that I should not forget.

It's hard to feel confident when even your own brain can’t remember or keep track of or…. or…

??? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ???

Food.

Food will help.

Let’s see how far I get from making something to eat, and how many tasks will be started between now and when I am done my lunch.

I have missed my chance and will have to eat alone, but this is not uncommon.

This is my life.

Well, my head as it is today anyway.