The following words have been spoken and written in various ways, by different people more accomplished, admired and knowledgeable than myself — certainly more eloquently and coherently; but just because a realization has been arrived at by someone else before you, it does not make it any less true for you.
It also does not mean that you, yourself have not also come to this realization on occasions prior to this most recent re-learning; sometimes, the lesson just takes a while to stick.
Reminder to myself:
I will continually be met with the same challenges—until I learn the lesson.
When faced with a situation that repeats and repeats and repeats, often it’s reoccurrence is due (or at least in some part related) to how I have approached it in the past, and continue to do so.
I used to think that certain types of negative behaviour aimed in my direction—I would now classify these particular instances as bullying (some might even go so far as to call them emotional abuse)—were a fault of my own creation.
And in a way, I suppose it was my fault—partially.
(I know, this last comment is where I fear people will think I am stuck in a cycle of control—after-all, that is how psychological manipulation works; or they will start to shout wildly that I am victim-blaming...I am not! Please—hear me out.)
I don’t mean the behaviour itself, but how I reacted to it: how I internalized it.
I mean my role in the pattern of it...giving the other person a playing field to continue playing ball in, and their behaviour a fertile ground to grow and fester in.
Allowing it to sit inside of me...
Okay, so maybe the onus was not so much on me when it was occurring originally, but certainly now that I am safe and secure, engaging in healthy relationships: if I sense that someone is verging on that line...trying to control me through my emotions, taking advantage of my kindness and threatening harm in an effort to gain and hold my attention—certainly now, I should see the warning signs; I have an obligation and duty to keep my own best interests at heart.
But what if I care about the other person? Isn't that why it bothers me in the first place?
Isn't that why emotions are involved at all?
There is a phrase I heard once that explained accountability in relationships: "You are 100% responsible for your 50%".
In my experience, if you continue to allow the behaviour to happen, it will most likely continue. You are complicit in providing an outlet for that person. If you don’t attempt to break the cycle, the other person usually won’t try to break it either, because to do so does not serve their immediate purpose (even if they do not know what that purpose is, or are unaware that they are even engaging in an unhealthy behaviour to begin with).
Yes, it most likely would benefit both parties far more, if either were to act in an alternative fashion; no one wins in a situation like this. No one deserves to be bullied.
It is not good for you, certainly, but the person who is emotionally blackmailing, slandering, manipulating…I feel like they are hurting too. All too often, the abusive behaviour is coming from their own place of pain.
I am not suggesting they are blameless. They are 100% responsible for their 50% as well.
But if you stand up for yourself, it might actually help them too.
What are they gaining? A sense of power over the situation? Over you?
Is it an attempt to place blame on anyone but themselves?
Are they trying to protect themselves from something?
Maybe trying to keep you in their life...
Are they just dealing with their pain in a maladaptive way?
Was this how they were taught to deal with stressful situations…
Whether the person lashing out is a confused and frightened 5-year-old whose parents are going through a divorce; an adult friend with terminal cancer, projecting their anger and frustration; an undermining co-worker who feels insecure about themselves and tears down those around them in an attempt to feel better about themselves; or an abusive partner who grew up socialized to believe that this is an acceptable outlet,
you do not have to accept or internalize their pain as your own.
Sometimes, you can separate what you are feeling, from where it is coming from. Sometimes, you can still be supportive, without taking their shit.
Sometimes you have to walk away.
So a reminder to myself...if I act the same way every time I feel I am being taken advantage of; make excuses for someone and put up with behaviours that I find antagonistic or worse, reprehensible, I should expect that the outcome is going to be similar each time. And if the fear, resentment and sick feeling in my stomach grows; if my self esteem and confidence diminishes; if I start to wonder what I did to deserve feeling this way—I need to remember that I have control over what I allow in my life, and how I choose to act.
I can remind myself that the other person is just that—a person. Their behaviour is more a reflection of them, than of me. They have fears and insecurities, and I can exercise compassion for them, as well as for myself.
It's time to stop the cycle.
* Just a note *
I feel I would be remiss if I did not explain that my husband has always been an incredible force of positivity and support in my life. We have walked side by side for the last seventeen years, and although we don't always see eye-to-eye on everything, he has never fit the description of negative behaviour outlined above. Because I gave the example of an abusive partner, I want to be quite clear that I was simply highlighting an all too common scenario that some people have experienced.
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