But No Judgement!
"Your house needs a lot of work.
This place is… it’s a lot."
These are not judgements about you.
I know how challenging it can be to let someone into your home when it doesn’t look the way you want. When you have been suffering from depression and you cannot fathom what a clean place to live in might look like, buried under so much detritus. I know how it can feel, the embarrassment — even with the people who love and respect us (especially them) — when the weight of shame and self-loathing and helplessness piles onto an ever growing heap of internal criticism. These feelings start to resemble their physical counterparts: the trash overflowing the bin beside the couch; the pile of moldy dishes collecting on the counter in the kitchen, or the dirty floors… it doesn’t take long before they are all you can see; all you can feel.
When I look at the state of your living space, I am not passing a judgment directly on you, your worth or how “good” or “terrible” of a person you are. If anything, I am judging the conditions you are living in — but not you. Sure, we create our environment, either through purpose or by neglect, but the outcome is a by-product of something much more important. Any statements I make about your space is indirectly a comment on how I think you might be feeling; what I have glimpsed of your inner world, and what kind of mental state you may be participating in. And there is a distinction between the two, even though they are related.
I still struggle with keeping my place clean, let alone tidy, and am hounded by my own moral judgments regarding my space. One day when visiting, my mother told me, “I am here to see you, not inspect your apartment”. Coming from the woman who used to line her fork tines up in the drawer and rewash the dishes after her company (who had pitched in and washed them for her) had left — this was an enlightening discovery, and it quieted my self-punishing inner critic a few decibels. From that day forward I tried to abide by a new mindset; the new bare minimum, but acceptable standard was this: as long as there was a place to sit and a clean toilet for visitors to $#!t, I was not allowed to feel badly or harass myself about it.
If you grapple with daily housework and admonish yourself for it regularly, there could be a few contributing factors. Knowing why cleaning is hard for you, or how your place became the way it is can help you sort out the right solution.
1. Are your expectations of yourself, of your capabilities, too high?
Ask yourself, “Is what I consider clean/tidy a result of my own standards, or someone else’s?” Is my idea of what is acceptable a throw-back to how I was raised, and if so, does it still suit me? If all you hear is a reproving parental voice in your head, maybe it is time to re-evaluate what level of clutter you actually find acceptable; is there a new benchmark you can aim for without feeling like you have to “ground” yourself every time you walk in your front door. Make sure the new goal is reasonable — this means attainable and sustainable. If this is too difficult, can you come up with a compromise in the meantime? Something that helped me was starting to greet visitors by saying, “don’t mind the mess…. it’s clean enough to be sanitary, but dirty enough to be lived in”.
2. Identify where your stumbling blocks are
Is your mess a result of time, other priorities or something else?
A lot of us buy into the notion that you have to be busy all the time. It’s a symptom of living in a capitalistic plague. If you are working all the time; commuting; out of the house a lot picking up kids or taking care of parents or friends, when are you expected to mop and dust? How does laundry get done when you volunteer or heaven-forbid, engage in leisure and extracurricular activities? I feel like most people don’t have a choice; mouths to feed, bills to pay, keeping a roof over heads kind of thing… Many families just have a lot of competing priorities.
Get yourself some “ Beyoncé hours”
So, you know the phrase: “we all have the same 24 hours in a day”? Here’s where I have a problem with the statement: time is a construct that does not hold the same potential within each hour, for each person. If you think you can accomplish the same amount in your hour that a celebrity or bigtime CEO with an entire staff to handle things for them can, you need a reality check. If you consistently fall short of your housekeeping goals despite your best efforts, or hell, you could just use a hand, don’t beat yourself up for not being capable enough, efficient enough, or competent enough — get yourself some Beyoncé hours — outsource some of that domestic burden. Is there enough in the budget to hire a cleaner? What if the benefits of task completion outweigh the monetary cost to get it done? According to Harvard professor Ashley Whillans, outsourcing chores could increase your happiness proportionally to a raise close to 20 thousand dollars, and the practice isn’t restricted to the upper affluent; time saving purchases, apparently, can be particularly beneficial for those with lower incomes. A cleaner can cost between 25 and 90 dollars an hour ($75 to $250 per week). 40 bucks could be the difference between managing and not, even if you only employ these services occasionally; it comes down to what you value more. In some cases, that means money, or mental health.
Examples of services you can outsource:
house cleaning
deep cleaning
grocery delivery
dog walkers
laundry
carpet cleaning
home repairs & maintenance
driving
transportation for your kids
pet care
food subscriptions
meal prep
landscaping
everyday errands
bookkeeping / taxes
No room for guilt
In addition to the guilt and shame piling up in regard to not keeping up with the Joneses, you may encounter these same feelings even if you do decide to hire some help. If you have been conditioned to believe cleanliness is next to godliness, your self-worth or “goodness” could be challenged if you think you are a failure in these areas. I am here to tell you that your ability to keep your fridge clean or to take the trash out is not tied to your morality or your inherent worth — Jesus is not hiding behind the couch monitoring how often you vacuum under the cushions. If it was drilled into your head that you need to be independent and able to stand on your own two feet, it may be difficult to let go of the notion that you must do it all alone or you are the failure. We all have different skillsets and abilities. Grandma may have been able to raise 5 kids and keep house while volunteering on the Ladies Auxiliary, but I have to ask — at what cost? Also, you live in quite a different world from her. You can buy just about anything these days, what does time and energy cost to you? As you get rid of the piles of clutter, or mold, or dirt, why not get rid of the guilt while you are at it. Still not convinced that you are not a bad person?
Stop looking through an ableist lens!
Remember when I said we often think we should be able to stand on our own two feet? Would you say this to someone who is restricted to a wheelchair? Ridiculous, right?! This is what it’s like when we tell others (or internalize ableist messages and tell ourselves) that they should stop being lazy when really, they are working at a deficit. When we assume everyone can accomplish the same tasks with the same level of effort or ease, we enter dangerous territory. So too when we believe it of ourselves.
Are your difficulties with the state of your living space as a result of your mental health?
The two are often correlated. Some households have many, many possessions – too many for the space to hold. Other times, it may be an issue of hoarding, an outward manifestation of depression or anxiety. Head-space and house-space can become fixed in a loop, feeding into each other in a never-ending dance of undesirables, hogging the dancefloor. For me, I know I am not doing well when I can no longer bother to load an empty dishwasher. Usually, this signals to me that I am in a slump, and I need to take care of some things: take stock of my needs, lest I fall into a clinical depression. Likewise, when my kitchen is clean and I can see the counters, I can breathe easier. My mood is generally lighter and my anxiety about leaving the house or pursuing a hobby lessens. The tension in my body and mind drop enough for me to notice, and that is a very desirable outcome from a seemingly simple source. But how easy is it, actually?
Clutter might be a symptom of someone’s ADHD or other executive function issues. Task initiation and/or completion are often casualties when it comes to executive function deficits and can even be a result of previous trauma; there is a great deal of overlap between ADHD and (C)PTSD for instance and getting to the point of being able to handle “the task” can be an effort in and of itself. Sensory issues can make tasks more challenging on top of this — tip of the hat to those of you who are autistic along with other neurodivergent folks who struggle with this.
Not all disabilities are visible, but that doesn’t mean they are less impactful on someone’s life. It is equally ableist to assume that all conditions are static; that someone can do something one day, and then repeat it on the next. Or that because someone had a good day, they no longer suffer or experience pain. A large number of disabilities are dynamic.
When you consider that people with chronic illness and other disabilities often experience overlapping mental health issues, this can complicate things further. Ever hear of spoon theory? Energy is finite, and some of us start off our days with more of it than others. Some — less. And some of us go through it much more quickly.
Do not Compare
Comparison is not just the thief of joy; it can steamroll into a self-degrading spiral of damaging self-talk. You live in your space, not Joe down the hall, or the Smith’s across town. It does not matter if your friend has a brood of kids running around and their house is spotless, while childless you can’t seem to clean the toilet. We all have different situations, challenges and barriers in our lives. We also have different supports. It’s amazing how diverse living arrangements are and how tidy or dishevelled a space can be despite the “type of person” living there. When you consider how many hands are available to chip-in for chores, or how fast a broken vacuum can escalate to a larger situation, remember your compassion… and the fact that the world will not end if the house “looks like a bomb went off” — because one didn’t, and it won’t.
What if it is too late?
If you are alive to think the thought, there is no “too late”. If you are severely struggling, completely overwhelmed, and the list of things to tackle has become a mountain of insurmountable to-do’s — you still have options other than burning the place to the ground.
Learn to ask for help. Other people in your life care about your well-being. They will most likely feel empowered and even good about themselves when they get to help you. They’ll feel better knowing you are doing better, and at the bare minimum — they might have a place to sit when they come over. None of us should go through life alone. We are creatures of community. Do you judge a friend for asking for your help? I bet you don’t. You might even feel grateful. Give them that same chance.
Adopt a barn-raising mentality. Ever witness a barn being raised? Common in farming communities, particularly among the Amish or Old Order Mennonites, everyone would come together to tackle the task. It is true what they say — many hands do make light work. Get a bunch of people together and have them chip-in to help with the heavy lifting. If decisions are hard, assign someone to divvy up roles and hand out jobs. You might end up with a cleaner space and a more tight-knit group of friends.
Hire the professionals. There are companies that offer deep cleaning services, and those that specialize in hoarding if things are really bad. Junk removal companies seem to be popping up everywhere — there is demand for these services — you are not the only one with this problem. There are people who can tackle an unruly lawn, do your laundry, run your errands and walk your dogs. If there is a need, there is probably a service for it. Get on Google; ask friends for referrals and recommendations. You may be surprised to learn that you are not alone when it comes to keeping your house in a way that suits the lifestyle you want. You are not being judged. Maybe that will clear some space in your head.
Comments