I don’t know how to slow down.
I am not alone; I suspect half the planet
suffers from this same drive to rush around frantically, followed by the constant nonsensical need to seek out distraction—from what, I don’t know…perhaps from all that rushing.
It is noon, and as I sit here eating my breakfast (I only got up an hour ago, after all), it occurs to me that I am feeling rushed. I have no real need to feel hurried...there are no appointments on the calendar for today; I am “funemployed” as my sister-in-law calls it (I’m taking some time off from a “big-girl-job” before my next foray into the working world—you know—to figure this stuff, i.e. my life, out!); essentially, the day is my own.
Even my evening is free as my husband—who by the way is not the type to expect me to have dinner ready for him when he arrives home—he is working late tonight, so I really do have a respectable amount of “free-time” to accomplish whatever I like.
And perhaps that is part of the problem. The overbearing weight of potential, encompassed by such a large quantity of time; it fixes me in place and freezes me with indecision. Where do I start? How much can I do in a day? How fast or slow will time move? Will I feel effortless flow as I sink passionately into this activity or that, only to find my day has left me?
Or will I bounce from one task to another, never truly accomplishing anything at all?
Will I be productive or pursue leisure activities? Will this day be like many others—will I simply spend a large portion of it daydreaming; staring at a wall? Will I do anything today, that I dreamed I could get done, on the days when I dreamed of having an entire day to do said things? Like a dog chasing its own tail, my propensity for over-analyzing is a fruitless pursuit. I can spend hours daydreaming about why I daydream…
And so, when I realize how lucky I am to have this time—how privileged—I feel guilty about squandering it. It seems there are large periods where my anxieties(?) prevent me from achieving simple goals, and then I react by adding to the list of things to do in an attempt to balance the books so to speak. The very idea of this list is crushing. The paradox, if we can call it that, is that I feel busy all the time, but don’t seem to accomplish anything, while at the same time that I am not “doing anything”, I only become more tired, and do not truly rest. Of course, I feel a sense of urgency given the pressure I have put on myself to accomplish “everything”!
You see, in addition to feeling rushed, I also suffer from a bitter tendency to procrastinate, born from that lovely maladaptive trait called perfectionism.
Perhaps some of my attachment to the need for rushing is impressed from a sense of having to play-catch-up; I am often in my own head. But alas, I have digressed...
I do have a couple of articles to write/edit today. There are dishes in the sink and there is laundry to be folded, along with other various daily housekeeping duties and tidying’s that are begging to be sorted and paid attention to, but surely, they cannot command the type of demanding attitude that has me in a tizzy…
I spent an hour meandering through the morning routine: waking and washing up, brushing my teeth, getting the sleep out of my eyes, dressing myself in clothes less reminiscent of fuzzy owl pyjamas and more suitable for leaving the apartment to empty the bin, or go to the gym in (not that I plan on going to the gym), all while listening to a podcast on “how to find your purpose”. Truly, this rushed feeling is not being imposed on me externally…so why, when I sit down to eat, do I feel an instantaneous urge to open my computer, look at my phone, move to another room, do something—anything—other than what I have sat down to do?
Before I know it, my food is gone, and my coffee has been drained from the mug. I don’t remember tasting my food, feeling it’s texture…and later if someone asks me “what did you have for breakfast?”, I may not even recall—because I wasn’t really here while eating it.
I have developed these habits…these patterns of behaviour. These rushed feelings come from within me, and I have fostered them over an entire lifetime. I could make this a blame game. There is a lot of information out there to back me up...I do live in a society that prizes expediency. North American culture is inundated by quick fixes, fast food, fast fashion, instant headlines, bite-sized media clips and instantaneously digestible tid-bits of information, along with, seemingly, a gazillion ads and billboards with bright flashing neon lighted arrows pointing at phrases like “buy now!”
Business is rewarded not only based on the quality of the product or service, but on how quickly it is delivered. Companies who promise same day shipping command the market. Parents scramble to get their kids enrolled in every possible music, sports, dance and extracurricular program they can manage to fit in the timetable—no week-night or weekend is left empty. It’s hard not to feel rushed, when everyone, and everything is rushing around you.
But this isn’t a blame game
I could ask why, and come up with a seemingly endless list of reasons (I over-analyze everything, if you recall). This post was supposed to be about how rushed I feel, and how I don’t know how to slow down—but I do know!
Innately, that knowledge exists within... Just as the push to hurry, scurry, and accomplish has come primarily from within also.
I know I contradict myself incessantly. I know my writing is not always coherent, and if you are still here and think reading this is hard to follow, you should try being inside my mind—which is the point. I am realizing that this rushed feeling, which is one of many feelings indicative of a larger issue, is also a cycle that has attached itself to nervousness, or anxiety or neurosis; whatever you want to call it…and it exists in my head. I don’t mean to say it isn’t real…it is (and it isn’t…), but the focus has been on the “why” for too long. Wouldn’t the attention be better placed on the “how”?
How do I change this? What can I do to slow the pace, find some balance? How do I leave the need for mindless distraction behind, and learn to refocus on the things that bring meaning and joy to my life?
I sat down to breakfast today and simply noticed how I felt. As is my usual habit, I let my thoughts spiral off in a multitude of directions. I suppose that is where I will start: by learning to simply observe & identify where I am, listen to what I am feeling, and think about what I want to change—without feeling the need to control everything.
(ha! Best of luck to me…)
I don’t always need to know the “why”. I don’t even need to know the “how”. I can just “do”, by choosing to try something new. I can say to that feeling when it arises:
“Hey! You seem awfully hurried…would you like to sit with me for a moment, and we can just “be”?
I know it sounds like the kind of pseudo-wisdom available from any self-help book out there, and none of this is new. This is certainly not the first good intention I have set, or the first change I have tried to make in my life; as I write this, I am almost certain that I will fall down that horrible well of failure, probably sooner than later since I have not formulated a concrete thought out plan—and that is okay. As the well fills with my failures, they are sure to lift me further towards ground level. One day I will understand myself and will have learned enough to crawl out.
Another term for a well, after-all, is source.
I do know how to slow down. I might only be realizing it now (or again), but I can accept that it is possible, and that I can change. As many times as it takes.
Are you feeling rushed?
I invite you to come with me. Don’t worry, there is no hurry…
Welcome to the next step in my journey.
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