Old news doesn't make the front page...
But I'm not interested in sharing headlines at the moment.
As the masthead says, this is about a Mind on Mend — and this is a process that does not happen overnight. Much of this past year, I have not had the motivation to document my journey, let alone the inclination to post about it.
A lot has been going on.
But that is life, isn’t it?
Moods have dipped, dived, climbed and plummeted. Thoughts have raced; slowed to sludgy stagnation; diverged, converged and danced tangentially around coherence.
And then, there have been the slumbers… a generously glossy term to mask the reality — there has been a lot of time spent in bed.
A lot.
There are many types of tired.
Physical and mental fatigue; transient and cumulative; lethargy; the tired that comes with chronic pain, medication or grief; apathetic torpor — lingering like an overstayed houseguest who eats all your food and finishes the last of the tube of toothpaste. But it doesn’t matter because let’s face it — you’re not really eating, you can’t remember if you brushed your teeth or the last time you showered, and really, you’re just freaking tired of being tired.
Where I live, we are 60 days into the
5th wave of a pandemic that started a month shy of 2 years ago. We all have reason to be tired.
This past year, I have started to tackle and make progress with a few minor but not insignificant medical issues, while at the same time continuing to slide deeper into darker spaces I’d rather thought I had left far in my past.
In the last year, I have taken on a new role at work that has tested me in many ways and has pushed me quite outside of my comfort zone. I have been extremely busy not only because of the job itself, but because of my need to prove myself… to not disappoint… to be worthy.
The creative imposter has returned with its cronies: the critical judge and the perfectionist. They love it when I work through lunch and stay late daily. Who needs to take breaks when you are already broken? The concept of work-life balance goes out the window when you don’t think you are contributing enough, and when your brain tricks you into believing you have no life to speak of anyway, what does it matter?
2021 saw the return to many maladaptive behaviours. I suppose this is why they say the more things change, the more they stay the same. New year — same me.
Sort of.
But credit where credit is due.
— I have also evolved and changed.
If I force myself to look, I have no choice but to acknowledge that I have come leaps and bounds from where I have been in the past. It is true, I am traipsing precariously close to that cliff edge — but I am also minding the signs.
My partner deserves an award for keeping me tethered, and I recognize how fortunate I am, but I am also watching my footing. I am still making progress and continuing the climb.
Although I have isolated myself, I have not completely cut ties with my friends, or family. I enrolled in and completed a new CBT therapy program. I have explored a new hobby, and for the first time in a long time, have found myself enjoying and looking forward to time spent engaging in the creative process with other people. I have maintained a job and have gotten up and gone to work every day — even on those days where my depression and anxiety begged me not to. And on days when I feel somewhat stable and on top of things, I even allow myself to feel like I am doing that job well.
The pandemic; working in healthcare since the beginning of it; the nearly two year “sabbatical” prior to it — I may write about all of this when I am ready.
For the time being, however, much of what I plan to post in the next little while may be a little dated. Many of the things I plan on sharing were written prior to now.
Some of it, years ago.
I am glad that I am finally back in a state where planning is somewhat possible because, thankfully, a future still exists for me. But this does not mean the muses come running.
I am still tired. I have a lot of work to do.
I have a lot I want to share though too.
I hope it can be for me, and for you.
That is what this blog is about.
A way for me to journal — to get some stuff out of my head. A therapy of sorts.
It will be self-indulgent, sure, but I hope to accomplish more.
If you see a bit of yourself in these pages, and you are struggling, I want to highlight that you are not alone. Whatever you are going through, I hope my path can help you recognize that we do not have to bear the burden ourselves. There are tools to help. There are supports. You are resilient and capable.
We don’t have to make the front page
Just being in the paper is enough.
Comments